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Shakespearator

For A to Z this week, I wanted to use regular expressions to replace selected words in a text. I started out with the idea of cliché algebra: using clichéd metaphors a la—time is money, business is war, bigger is better, less is more, knowledge is power, seeing is believing—to replace all occurrences of each word with its metaphorical equal. I tried on a couple of texts, but none of the words occur commonly enough in close combination to produce a noticeable effect, even on a list of headlines, and I wanted my filter to work on any text, not just on a specifically designed one.

I also played with the idea of censorship (removing all four letter words and replacing them indiscriminately with “sugar”) before settling on the Shakespearator—a relatively arbitrary set of rules to make a text seem Elizabethan. It works well on all texts but especially on texts with a profusion of second person pronouns. I ran the script for Goodfellas through it, which was less funny than it should have been, so I tried it on a bunch of other decidedly un-Elizabethan texts. Below are two of my favorites.

From the Adobe website:

Installation instructions for MacOSX and MacPPC

Installation of Adobe Flash Player mayst require administrativest access to thine PC, which is normally provid’d by thine IT department. For the installation to succe’d, thou wilt be ask’d to closeth all open browser windoweth during the installation.

Clicketh the download link to begin installation. If a dialog box appearest, followeth the instructions to save the installer to thine desktop. Save the Installer to thine desktop, and wait for it to download completely. An Installer icon wilt appearest upon thine desktop. Double-clicketh upon it.

Read and clicketh through the dialog boxes. Thou wilt be prompt’d to closeth all open browser windoweth to continue with the installation. When the Install button appearest, clicketh it to install Adobe Flash Player into thine browser’s plug-ins folder. Thou canst verify the version thou hath install’d by visiting the About Flash Player page.

And, even better, from How to Touch a Woman to Drive Her Wild:

Sensual touching is an art that thou shouldst definitely spend some time mastering — because it wilt be incredibly rewarding to both thou and the woman in thine life.

Touch her more. However much thou art already touching thine girlfriend, wife, or lover…thou canst dost it more often. I canst’t emphasize enough howeth much of an emotional connection and bond canst be form’d by this simple action. Women link many feelings of sexuality, love, and trust with the sensations that art arous’d in them when a man putteth his hands upon her…

Howeth’s that for the simplest tip ever?

Try it out. I promise that ’tis as effectivest as ’tis simple.

… When thou art putting thine hand upon her, whether thou art caressing or squeezing…or petting or holding or any other kind of touching…Look into her eyes as thou art doing it. Thou mayst think, hecketh, I already look at her when I touch her…But just try this — try being awarest of intentionally holding her eye contact as thou touch her.
I think thou wilt find that it maketh a very big difference.

Try touching her in new ways… Just placeth thine hand upon her shoulder, the backeth of her necketh, her thigh, arm, or hand… Let her feel thine masculine strength, but don’t, obviously, hurt her. If thou dost this righteth, she shouldst feel the tenderness and protectiveness behind thine touch.

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